A Prayer for Embodiment
By: Amrita Matz
I’m back in Delhi after a whirlwind of experiences here in India. These past two and a half weeks are now feeling more like a dream as I rest in the presence of my ashram room. It’s a mostly quiet refuge from the city noise other than the forty peacocks that seem to take turns howling amongst themselves.
I had powerful experiences in the Neem Karoli Baba temples and with Ram Dass satsang as we made a pilgrimage South to Vrindavan and West to Kainchi. A vision I have had since 2007 finally coming to fruition— I have finally made it to India. Ram Dass had introduced Maharaji in my life at that time and despite staring at Maharajji’s black and white pictures in the book “Paths to God” I felt nothing. I really tried too. “Please be my guru,” my 19 year old mind begged. Since this guy Ram Dass seemed so wise I wanted the path he had taken, but nothing happened. I meandered down many paths, going deep into a Kigong path that I discovered in grad school at Naropa University. It wouldn’t be until 2020 that Maharajji would finally make his presence known in my life. In the woods, I listened to a Ram Dass talk where he said, “Benevolent beings are all around us, wanting to help. All you have to do is call them and they will come.” I did just that. In the middle-of-nowhere-Colorado I said, “Benevolent beings please come” and Maharajji came and has been within me ever since. I even realized in 2008, the night I went unconscious while driving an hour distance from school back to my home, the presence that kept me safe and alive while I had my eyes shut at the wheel, was Maharajji —that calling him through the photos in the book a year prior did in fact begin my relationship with him. And he had been with me ever since.
So coming to India has always been in my heart. A year and half ago I reflect, “what do I really want in this life?” And this dream of paying homage to Maharajji’s homeland had emerged with the message, “don't be afraid to live.” So I created the opportunity for myself. I took risks, made choices and things aligned — divinely — not a moment too soon nor a moment too late.
Now my 2 week yatra with Saraswati, “Following in the Footsteps of Ram Dass” is over. I feel so full of experiences that I am actually full, like when you eat your favorite meal topped with desert, you’re so full you don’t need another bite. The goodness that you felt with each bite now reached a max threshold that actually even another bite of the best tasting food in the world might be too much. I’m full. I’m satisfied.
I had a few truly profound experiences with Maharajji with one in particular that generated a love I’ve never felt before— in Kainchi Dham as I gave the Pujari the letters from our CO satsang to be blessed— the most profound wish for all these people to be heard, felt, and cared for took over me. My ability to care for others stretched beyond the highest capacity I am capable of. He carried the letters to Maharajji’s murti, picked up a flower, and upon placing it all back into my hand, I was catapulted into a state of love I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t tell if it was me loving Maharajji, Maharajji loving me, me loving these people or Maharajji loving all of us. Love was going all directions, both inside and outside of me. I’m doing my best to describe the quality of feeling but I do lack words to adequately express the experience. I broke open into tears, deep cries, as I continued to his tucket where I bowed in gratitude. This eventually turned into joy while singing Hanuman Chalisa with an Indian family that came along side of me.
If I'm honest I’m not still in this level of love. It was an experience I had and I can only hope one day to live in that level of love. I will say though I had an experience with maharaji where anger within me dissolved. For three years I’ve tried many ways to release this anger regarding someone in my life. I had got to a place of “well I am better off without them” but in that is still a bit of anger. At Neem Karoli Baba’s temple in Delhi sitting in front of a small Hanuman murti Maharajji had made himself, the anger rose up. What else could I possibly do but to either repeat the stories that generate the anger feeling or pray humbly in front of maharaji for help. I prayed to be love and he took the anger. I was then overwhelmed with peace and a quality of mind that had no thoughts. Even still I feel peace regarding this situation, and I genuinely wish thus person well.
Everything is now a memory. I reflect on what is the point of all these profound experiences I’ve had. A past self would need more experiences, there can be an addicting quality to profound experiences. “How can I stay high?” “Nothing is happening….when will the next profound experience happen?” “Was that real? I need more proof.” I’ve had this type of mindset before.
I’m realizing now, if these experiences don’t make me a better person then what will have been the point. I of course invite them and I am beyond grateful for profound experiences that fill me up with love and confirm my faith.
And— my greatest hope is that these experiences change me. That they make me kinder, more patient, trusting and loving. May they give me more energy to be of service. May they make me more humble and content within. May they help me fully embody all the wisdom I am learning. May I recognize when I am in my heart versus when I am in my head. May they continue to dissolve my ego. May they give me the courage to live my life in the ways my soul yearns.
Maharajji, please may each experience continue to make me a better person.
“The point is not to perfect yourself. It is to perfect your love.” Jack Kornfield
Maharaji, may each experience increase my ability to love more deeply— to be an embodied channel of love.