Blanket of Grace: A Devotee’s Journey from Darkness to Divine Love

A personal reflection on trauma, transformation, and the miracle of Maharaji’s love.

By Satya Ma

This has been trying to find its way out of me for a while. I call it the practice of non-attachment rather than the law for a reason—because it’s something I still have to work at every single day. But under the blanket of His grace, it’s become easier with time.

Part of the delay in writing this has been not knowing how to share it in a way that fully embodies the essence of my truth without opening up about parts of my path that I’ve long kept hidden—out of fear. Fear of being seen as unworthy, or worse, feeling of believing that I am unworthy..But the way His grace has shaped my life into one I’m proud to live—and shaped me into someone I’m proud to be—has led me here. I’ve decided to set the time aside and offer this story, in hopes that maybe the depths of my struggle will reflect the depths of His unconditional, unwavering, love and grace.

I was raised in a small, racist town in Wisconsin, where racial slurs were more common than ever seeing a person of color. My father, who ironically bears a striking physical resemblance to Maharaji, couldn’t have been more opposite emotionally. My mother was addicted to drugs and gambling and went to prison when I was very young. After an extended stay in foster care, my oldest brother convinced my father to come pick up my sister and me—a decision I spent most of my life wishing he hadn’t made… Honesty I remember almost nothing from those years, other than every imaginable kind of abuse.. grew up in a home without joy, without hope, and without love. 

One night, when I was about seven, my father had a heart attack. I remember watching the ambulance take him away, praying to God that he would die so I could get out of that house. He didn’t die, but he did lose his eyesight, which eventually led to him losing custody of my sister and me. By then, my mom was out of prison, but still deeply addicted and consumed by mental illness. With the help of some family members, she was able to regain custody, but stability never came. We were passed from one household to another until we eventually landed in a situation that, in many ways, was worse than the one I had come from—where I was then being abused in an entirely new way by another family member.

Eventually, my own mental health plummeted. By the time I was thirteen, I was drinking heavily and using drugs, numbing myself in any way I could Indulging daily and acts of self mutilation and constantly in and out of group homes, Juvie, and mental hospitals. My lack of self-understanding, self-love, and what eventually became a complete lack of self-respect led me into situation after situation, relationship after relationship, that all echoed that same pattern of abuse—until finally, I landed in a relationship with someone who nearly ended my life. But ironically, or actually not ironically at all if you know the same Baba I do, he also introduced me to Ram Dass. We would listen to his discourses during day-long drug benders. And now, when I look back, I see it clearly: although he almost took my life, in a way, he gave it back to me, too.

Somehow, after the second attempt to take my life I found the courage to leave. But when I left, I dove headfirst into an even darker addiction—one of the ugliest and most unholy drugs on the market today. That addiction eventually led me into a situation that unknowingly put someone I love in danger… That was the day I decided who I didn’t want to be. I told a couple of my closest friends that I had a problem. I cut my lease short at my apartment, and the three of us hit the road. That road became a long one—the road to recovery from a lifetime of self-hatred.

Years passed. I was still partying and occasionally dabbling with substances, but I wasn’t in active addiction anymore. Then I met someone who would eventually become my fiancé. From the moment I met him, I knew he was going to play a part in saving me from myself. He was a vegan. He didn’t drink. He didn’t do drugs. He didn’t smoke. And he always operated from a place of love. Very quickly after we met, I quit eating meat. I quit drinking. I quit smoking and doing drugs. And eventually, I learned to operate from a place of love, too. I see now that Baba brought him into my life to show me grace—to show me that there are things in this life worth living for, worth loving for.

Eventually, our relationship ran its course. But not before he gifted me my first copy of Be Here Now. In so many ways, that gift became the catalyst for my journey back home—to Maharaji, to His grace, and to myself. After our breakup, I would open it to random pages and just take it in. I was completely heartbroken, but I knew I didn’t want to go back to who I had been. So I held onto that book for dear life and used it as my guide.

Years later, I felt called to enroll in Deepak Chopra’s Ayurvedic Wellness course—another one of my greatest teachers. As I studied, I became drawn to Sanskrit and to a new style of music I had never heard before. I would listen to and chant along with “Sri Argala Stotram” by Krishna Das—only to realize last month, while sitting beside KD himself at the Taos Ashram, that all along I had been asking to be shown what love really is.

During my courses, I ended up on a work trip to San Diego, where I fell completely in love with the place. I told myself that if—by some crazy chance—I got the job I’d applied for (one I was completely unqualified for), I would go back to Oklahoma and put in my two weeks’ notice. 

By what I now know was His grace, I got the job—and moved to California. 

Within a few months of being there, I experienced the sudden and traumatic loss of a family member. I was alone, far from everyone and everything familiar. In my grief, the only thing I could think to do was search online for a spiritual event—anything that might offer solace; That’s how I ended up at my first cacao ceremony and kirtan.

Everything changed that day. It awakened the part of me that had still been asleep. From that day forward, I’ve intentionally devoted myself to chanting the names of the Divine—whether in a room full of people or alone in my car. I began placing myself in spaces and relationships aligned with the Bhakti path, which eventually led me to Taos, where I finally met Maharaji. And ever since He wrapped me in His blanket of grace, He has never let me go—never left me cold or without the comfort of His love.

Now, after receiving a cancer diagnosis for my mother, I’ve found myself back in Colorado as her full-time caregiver, an Ayurvedic Wellness and mediation teacher at my very own old high school, and where I have even had the opportunity to work with at the very same mental hospital I was repeatedly admitted into as a teenager..And maybe most beautiful of all, being here has led me to the Neem Karoli Baba Bhakti Dham. I’ve found myself home, consistently surrounded by my Bhakti family, which has only opened more and more doors for His grace to flow in—including an opportunity to stay and be of service at Hanuman Maui this fall. It’s an opportunity I’m too busy Being Here Now to fully feel into—but I know in my bones it will be another great catalyst for tremendous transformation.

All of this is to say: when we devotees speak of the “Miracle of Love,” we really mean miracle.

I am so deeply thankful for every breadcrumb ever left along my path… for every ounce of suffering that became grist for the mill… for every obstacle that led me back to God, to Guru, to Self. And I am immeasurably grateful to be a part of the Neem Karoli Baba Bhakti Dham family.

Thank you.

Jai Jai Jai Guru Dev.

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